My name is Jessica Soriano and there's always two sides of every story. This ones mine.
My story begins my freshmen year in high school. Apart from the common struggles of a freshmen kid adjusting to high school life, I'd fallen completely and utterly in love. To make matters worst, I had fallen in love with a boy ninety nine miles away. Despite the distance, he was everything I could ever imagine. This was "it", he was what my heart was looking for. My "knight in shining armor" swept me off my feet at the first hello. See, we met through a mutual friend of ours and had decided to become friends. Who would've thought I would be writing a blog four years later about how I fell in love with him.
He was smart, sweet, funny, and most importantly a complete gentleman. [I wonder what happened to that, just kidding.] He was all I thought about and all I wanted. Soon enough occasional "What's up?"s turned into daily conversations which turned into phone calls and then finally love. [It's funny how many times the word "love" pops up during this blog, so for entertainment purposes lets keep track.] Neil was mine and I was his, a fairy tale come true in my perspective. I was so deep in love[5] that I envisioned my future with him, by his side - always. Unfortunately our relationship only withstood a year and a month until we called it quits. For what reason, we have yet to figure out. The "boyfriend, girlfriend" act was over however, I never completely moved on. I still loved[6] him, yet I was weak. Till this very day, I never comprehended as to why I agreed to the break up. It was a mutual decision in my eyes because I simply said "Okay, if thats what you want." For a love[7] so strong, how was it even possible to end it so quickly without a fight? And for that, I take some responsibility as to why we're in this situation right now. If I wasn't so naive, so irresponsible, we would've still been together - making four years in November.
I was childish to assume that he would came back to me. He was determined about moving on and "experiencing high school" without anyone holding him back. A part of me thanks Neil for that opportunity, for allowing me to enjoy my high school years yet another part of me lost a true happiness I felt only when I was with him - when I was in love[8]. And so, I begged Neil to come back to me for an exhausting year after the break up. I went through what seems like hell for him. I pleaded, cried, and yelled in hopes that we would rekindle the flame that was on the verge of burning out. He refused the invitation and denied my willingness to make things work. Yes its true, Neil did what ever he could to get me to move on which included "bitching" at me. I was in denial that our love[9] had ended. When simple "Jessica, its over" didn't work, he moved on to lectures and when that failed he settled for ignoring me all together. The man who once made me feel incredible and beautiful now made me feel like a worthless piece of shit, a no one worth talking to. He traded the butterflies in my stomach to complete disgust and hatred. Who was he? Was he even worth fighting for when I wasn't worth anything at all? I finally summed up enough courage to move on and let go - or that's what I thought. I couldn't believe what he had turned into. I'd lost a love[10] as well as a friend.
I've had a total of one relationship after my break up with Neil. Unfortunately I didn't develop the same "fairy tale" romance with the next guy. That relationship actually had me reminiscing about my first love[11] and I soon began feeling weak and vulnerable once again. After I gained the strength to establish a friendship, we decided to keep in touch. Neil and I saw each other occasionally throughout the years to follow and each time seemed to repeat itself. Prior to seeing him again, I made a promise to NOT FALL FOR HIM but I just couldn't resist his charm. Each time I visited Oahu, I feel into this trance. He was all I could look at, like he was the only one in the room. It was happening all over again, all too quickly. Of course returning back home pulled me back to reality. And as much as I hated it, I knew it was too good to be true. How could a simple visit to Oahu change anything? As if the past years hadn't happened and we could pick up where we left off. Unfortunately for us, we grew up. We were no longer the same individuals we were back in freshmen year. We changed and for one of us, it was a change that would help them realize what they truly want in life.
My story continues during our senior year in high school, a full four years after our unforgettable romance. Neil had continued to transform into this man that I didn't recognize. And before he lost total control of himself, he found someone that brought him back to earth. Neil had found someone, someone that wasn't me. And for some strange reason, my heart broke silently. I didn't tell him why but simply said "Congratulations, I hope you two are happy." I put on a brave smile and continued to live my life without him. They seemed to be in love [12]. I was truly happy for them, and especially happy for him. Those feelings that I've had for him throughout all those years finally began to slip away. I was sure this was it, the point in my life where I moved on from "Neil, my first love[13]" to "Neil, my friend." It was a change that I've been patiently waiting for. A bittersweet moment in the making, but I was sure that this was what i needed. The comfort of knowing that Neil was okay, that he was taken care of and no longer lost gave me the assurance to move on. You see, Neil is an amazing guy. For me to witness him acting "not himself" was like hiding a perfectly wonderful man away from the world. He had the potential to make one lucky lady feel like she's the most beautiful woman in the world. And I wasn't about to stand around watching him waste his time on relationships that were based on sex or lies. No, Neil was more than that.
Unfortunately Neil decided that he needed to end things with her and he did so with respect. We began talking again on a friendly basis. Then it happened. What I feared yet desired would happen again. It seemed to me as if he was returning to the guy I once fell in love[14] with. After so long, he had come back. A love[15] that had always belonged to him had made itself known to me - and so did he. But before things could begin to return to the way they once were, there was an unexpected surprise. Neil made a few poor decisions during his last remaining days as a high school student. I don't understand what was going through his head, hell what goes through anyone's head in that particular situation, but it sure wasn't me. He was no longer Neil, he was complete stranger. I was lied to and made a fool out of in front of everyone. I was embarrassed.
To make things perfectly clear for everyone, Neil and I are working on our relationship. But no, we're not together. We're working on our relationship as friends and as a support system for one another. I can't find myself to trust him as much as I once did. He's trying though, more than anything I could ask for. I applaud him for his faith and his determination. His courage is undoubtably remarkable.
Neil, you know I can't trust you ... yet. Especially after what had happened. I know we weren't together when it all happened, but you know how important that is to me. You "lied". So please be patient with me. Please allow me the time to heal and collect the strength to believe you again. Until that happens, hold on. Hold on to your faith while I build mines. And when I have my faith, nothing can hold us back.
