All Over Again

Lets start from the beginning.

My name is Neil Carlo Gonzales Viyar. and i never had a real relationship in my life until the start of high school. I mean thats typical don't you think? Since high school helps prepare for the real world, you'd figure the relationships would start there. Anyway, her name? Jessica Soriano. She was too a freshmen at a school with a saber as their mascot. Unfortunatley for me? she didnt go campbell. Hell she didnt even live in Oahu. It was MHS. Maui High. For others, that woulda been the reason for the relationship not to begin. But nuh uh, not for us, we were able to actually believe we can shut the doubters and make it work. Which we did, we made it work. Until i made a mistake. I made a mistake to think that it would be better for us to see what else was out there. Making the distance finally get to me like it would others, i let her, Jessica Soriano, slip through my fingers. After one year and amonth of the best relationship i would seen realize i ever had, i became the idiot and ended it.
Months past, and i started becoming this new person. This person that said, "hey, i aint got no girl, imma just go around and see what happens." All the while, she remained faithful and believed we would soon be together again. Like i said, i was the idiot. And to add on to that fact, i shunned her. I yelled, bitched, scolded, etc at her to try and make her move on. took about a year, maybe even longer for her to realize this asshole of a guy wasnt worth it. She started living her life w/o the thought of me. Like how i was only a few months after. I was in relationships since the breakup. I was even kiss and leaving girls too. Until i met a girl that came along and actually reminded me of something. That life isnt about doing stupid shit, it isnt about being dumb, Its about enjoying the people, the things around you, no matter how boring or lame it seems. Unfortunatley, this idiot assumed a relationship with this girl was the thing he wanted, so he got into one. Only to add another reason to the list as to why he's an idiot. which was hurting another innocent girl. Sorry to her again, sorry for putting her through pain too. And that i never meant to hurt you, but she really is great and someone willcome and totally knock off the memory of me, cuz my memories suck. Anyway, besides all that fact, i just want to get straight to the point. After realizing all the shit i was doing the past 3 years, all those decisions made and what not. It became sorta clear what i was doing, at least in my eyes/mind. One very wise yet irratating person said, "Neil, so and so has this, but didnt have that, and the other so and so, has what the other one doesn't, guess who has both." Can you guys guess who did? Yeah, the Maui Girl. The First Love. Hell the only Love. Jessica Soriano. I didnt wanna believe it. Despite all those mini moments we shared, constantly reminding me of how strong our relationship was, despite all those times where i would just look at her and feel like i can die happy because i saw my own angel. Despite all that corny shit? i didnt wanna believe it. So the idiot became a dumbass. The idiot decided to "fuck around". Ok maybe not much, just twice. but twice too many. 2 more than should've been done. Yes, i became a mini whore to some, a man whore to others, a slut to many. But more importantly, i became a liar, a bullshitter, a fake to one. To her.

This section is to you jessica, what i want you to know.

Yes i did do those things, and yes it happened. I dont plan on denying or sugarcoating anything. But what my side sounds like is this. Everything i said to you, all those things i mentioned, the memories i remembered, the choices i made for you. Those are all real, and will remain real. Once i ended it with margie, i told u i didnt know what i wanted. Cuz i really didnt, i wasnt sure. That still is no excuse for what i did, there is no excuse. I cant tell you i planned how everything turned out. I know i cant tell you i planned to be back here. Back in freshmen year, Square one.
But what i feel for you is real, what i want with us is real, me wanting you is real. Im real. No matter how everything around me tries to make me look fake. I made a decision to stop fucking around. Sean didn't know that, kac didnt know that. Only two people did. Me and somebody else. after the last time. All it wasnt worth it. Took awhile to realize it, but i did. I leave it to you to believe me. I was gonna tell you, i dont know when, i dont know where, but i was going to tell you.Once again i leave it to you to believe me.

Im going to work 31283182938129839128 times as hard
Im going to show you i am real.
Im sorry Jessica.
Im sorry.

Life

Why do we live life.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,4873483748732847 32 different answers.

One goal, get the most out of it.

To die without regret, to die feeling great.

That's life.

To live it for others.

To hope to gain some sort of attention, sympathy, recognition.

Is that life? Is that worth it.

Your life is your life. 

To live it as if you're in a movie, thats not life

Thats a script, actor, actresses.

Its not life.

Live life.

Dont act it

Real Life.

Workin hard, something  needed to succeed.

Is that true?

is that even real?

Working hard is nothing but a statement.

Nothing but a phrase.

Used to shadow the reality of life,

Real Life.

Life isn't fair? Highly underrated 

Move buildings? still considered weak.

Solve theorems? still unwise.

Save kids? still useless.

why do we try. just to fail.

when the failure doesnt come from not good enough.

from coming up short, from not trying hard enough

but simply from not being a certain someone.

not having a certain something.

not matter what, it is.....

still not good enough... reality of life.

Real life.

Stand by Me.

Wanna fuck with me? You really wanna start playin this kind of game?
See, normally i would say some shit like "You hit hard, I fucking kill you." But for this, this particular situation i got a chance to really understand what truly needs to be done, not necessarily what i wanted to be done. So this time around, you want to play this fake, bullshit, attention is all i need game? Go ahead. Go right ahead. I am straight ok with it. Do it how you want to. I'm allright. Don't get me wrong, im heated, im angered, shiit i was straight furious i would've beat the shit out of anyone involved. But time gave me a chance to relax, to think, to recouperate. So i did, and i like that decision. So what does that leave me to do?

My name is Neil Carlo Gonzales Viyar.
I'm from Guam, born and raised for 13 years. Now residing in Hawaii.
Family of 6 with my mom and dad, 3 sisters and me.
Got the friends that shouldn't just be considered the best, but the shit.
My history has labeled me to who i am today. Its my history that makes my friends think of me the way they do. My history is horrible. My history is terrible. My history is definitley not something i am proud of to the highest degree. Its cliche to say you want to take something back. So instead ill use the other cliche and say i am trying to do everything in my will power to overcome that history and not start fresh, but pave a whole new road, a better view of me, a more respected Neil.
I know i have made more mistakes in my life than millions of people combined. But its those mistakes that will only continue to improve my life more and more as i continue to breath the air in the world. So to allow those mistakes to darken who i am becoming. To allow those mistakes to shadow me, but brighten the one who isnt truly hurt, but instead looks for the attention, looks for the satisfaction of being sympathized, not for comfort, not for the good feeling, but the undivided, selfish, attention. Doesnt just sadden me, it angers me to a whole nother level.
This isnt for comments, this isnt for sympathy. This is who i am, this is what i want to be, this is where i want to go, this is what i want to accomplish.
I never did any of this for the attention, and i never will.
All i really can ask for is a chance. A chance to show you this is a growing process, difficult one at that.
You're my boys, my family. All i ask is for a chance to show u history is not going to repeat itself. For you guys to trust me.
And as for "you". I have gotten to know you well enough to say they we're right. Attention is blood, and your a vampire thirsting for it.
I was weak, you got to me, i crumbled down and let it out in a rage i never felt IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
Not anymore.
Now i'm calm. Angered, but calm.
Continue what you're doing. I wont stop you.
All i can say is.

I'm learning to learn.
Dogs, Stand by Me